I was just about to write a blog about how, after months, I finally went back to the gym tonight. And then, something RIDICULOUSLY ironic happened.
Truth be told, I haven’t liked who I’ve been for a while. As a comedian and radio personality, I am extremely confident in my talent. But as a person…Sandy, the girl who never learned how to love herself just for the sake of loving herself, well, I struggle with that. I’ve been doubting myself. Not wanting to take pictures. Wearing things that hide my body.
Simply put? I’ve put on weight. And I’ve been embarrassed about it. Haven’t wanted to go to the gym in fear my trainer would be disappointed in me. Lost my iPod with all my work-out music and it RUINED MY WORLD. I’m not kidding you. I lost it late November and it felt like part of my life came to a halt. I’m sure that’s way too dramatic, but I don’t care. My little playlists became part of my life. My routine. My happy place.
Fast forward to yesterday- a turning point- when I had lunch with my trainer, Evan, and his girlfriend Caitlin. I hadn’t seen them in forever (if you saw my “Snack B*tch” video, they were in it!) and was quite honestly nervous. But I needed motivation. I needed hope. I told them about my knee (which will present some serious challenges for me in the coming weeks- that’s another blog) and the first thing they said was,
“Okay, cool. So you can do core and upper body work-outs.”
Oh. I hadn’t thought of that.
Well actually I had, for a second, but then I started wallowing about all the stuff I won’t be able to do, can’t do, and haven’t been doing. I am a PROFESSIONAL WALLOWER. In fact, if there were a class on how to take all the shit in your life and make it more dramatic than it actually is, I’m the teacher.
“Mountains into Molehills: 101.”
So we talked. And ate. And laughed. I had a 1,000 calorie salad and didn’t beat myself up for it. Caitlin had a cheeseburger cause she’d just run a 5k and was “hangry.” (Angry + Hungry) Evan had chicken over brown-rice (though he wanted ribs) because he is in the midst of trying to lose 40 pounds.
WE ALL HAVE OUR STUFF.
I think that was my biggest takeaway yesterday. We are ALL going through something. And it took seeing my trainer be a human being for me to forgive myself, and start to move forward. To believe that I can feel good about myself again. To not focus on my limitations, but my possibilities.
I went to the gym tonight. I did upper body and core. I didn’t have my iPod, but I went anyway. I didn’t like the way my body looked, but I put a sweater around my waist and went anyway. I only walked a mile on the treadmill cause that’s all my knee could handle, but I went anyway. I barely recognized any of the staff and only a couple people recognized me, but I went anyway.
And then I came home.
And I found my iPod.